I need sleep

It's not just my emotional state talking about sleep. Literally. I need sleep. I'm going to attribute the lack of sleep on JT's shots from Tuesday because he is running on about 8 hours. He woke up yesterday morning around 8, ate and then took a nap for about 1 1/2 hours. He was up the rest of the day. He would catnap at the boob but that's not a full out sleep and would only last 10 minutes or so before I'd rouse him. I finally heard from the docs office and they called in my prescription for Zoloft. I was hoping to get to the pharmacy before American Idol started but true to form, my little man was eating pretty much all day and crabby. So I decided to wait until after the show. At 8 o'clock I realized the show wasn't ending and I needed to get there before 9 so I left and would be back in time for the ending to see if McPheever was hot enough to win or if the Soul Patrol had it wrapped up. I make it to the store and discover the pharmacy closed at 7:00. That's what you get living in a small town. Disappointed and slightly irritated I turn around, get gas and then head home. 2 miles from the house Kevin calls with a screaming baby in the background. That started the tears again and when I got to the house I just took JT, sat down and started to do what I do best. Be a feedbag. My mood improved over the next couple hours and finally got him to sleep by feeding him in bed. At some point I fell asleep for 20 minutes while watching Deadwood and JT woke up. That started the feeder again. I finally put myself to bed with him and hated it. Let me explain why. Around the 1:00 feeding I start getting anxious and I turn into a hypersensitive individual. It's what I call the Jimmy Legs (RLS) but over my entire body. The suckling no longer feels good; it doesn't hurt, it's just bothersome and irritating. Add to the his little toes scratching, kicking and pushing at my stomach. This is where I start to push away. It's hard to breastfeed and not be touching your baby, but it can be done. I just don't recommend it. At these points of the night, it hurts my heart that I am not enjoying the closeness. Disturbs me that my son touching me gives me the creepy crawlies. That's not how it's supposed to be. Laying there, as far to the edge of the bed as I can be with him still attached to me. Shoving the sheets and comforter between us to feel a break, pulling myself out of his mouth periodically because I cannot stand the touch anymore. "Lord please help me" is all I can repeat in my head. And outloud all that's heard is, "I'm so sorry". Sorry to JT for feeling this way. Sorry to Kevin for having to hear me whimper and moan in this condition. Sorry for all the feelings that I don't want to be feeling. Kevin is wonderful and takes him out of the room when I cannot be touched any longer. He dances with him and gets him sleepy. He returns with a sleepy boy but soon cries for the breast. At 4:30, still awake, I took JT out to the livingroom and tried feeding him sitting up. Somehow it's a little better this way. And it also forces me to look in those eyes of his. Those eyes that are so trusting, so innocent in every way, eyes that look up at me like he's saying, "what's wrong mom? Why are you so sad?" And then he gives me that look. The "Funny Face" with the eye rolls and the half a grin. The face that makes me fall in love all over again and appreciate his touches. I'm sorry baby. Momma will be better soon. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 12:38pm JT and I finally got some sleep once we were out in the living room. A couple feedings with 2 hours sleep in between feels like heaven. We've been up since 10 and the boy is finally napping in his swing in front of the door. It's not a steady nap as he's waking up every 30 minutes or so and jabbering. But we'll take it. Here in this house we're not picky. I called the pharmacy to double check on my scripts and learn they didn't have the full amount and won't have it until tomorrow. They were kind enough to offer me 2 loaners and you can bet that I took them up on it. I've made it to town and back, read the accompanying pamphlet and taken my first dose.