In demand

When one person comments about missing reading my blog, it seems to start an avalanche of people requesting more writing. A friend emailed me this morning about it and then two people at work asked when I was finally going to update it. Here's how I explain it and for those that already asked, this will sound familiar to you. It's all about being in demand. Demand from my job, my husband, my child and my sleep. You notice I didn't include myself in there? I slide myself into each of those categories and get pleasure out of all of them. Before I came back to work I used to write at night. Now it's a challenge to find that time. I get home and nurse him. Dinner time for me comes somewhere between nursing him and playing with him, depending on his energy level. Once dinner ends it's just about time to put him to bed and that involves me laying in bed with him. I get up from there (half asleep) and then go curl up next to Kevin. I guess I'd rather snuggle with my two favorite guys than sit in front of the computer wishing I was snuggling with my men. I was hoping to be able to use my lunch hour to write but that's not turned out to be possible as of late. Too many work distractions or errands have kept me from that. JT's first 4th was a bang up good time. He seemed to dig the lights but the noise was starting to freak him out a little bit so he stayed inside the house with his grandma while Kevin, the boys and I took turns running out into the rain to set off the mountains of fireworks we had. Never in my life have I been surrounded by so many fireworks and I've decided that I can never go back to just twirling sparklers around. I guess this is in part because each place I've lived has banned fireworks. The beauty of living in the country is that the fireworks run rampant along with cows, roadrunners and nursing dogs. Speaking of running rampant - JT's drool. I've rubbed my fingers along his gums but haven't felt anything poking through. I also can't see any indication of teeth but I know they're in there and it's just a matter of time before he's sprouting his first tooth. He's pretty good at rolling from his tummy to his back and within the last week he's started rolling from his back onto his side. That's all great but I also get scared after reading some posts at my online community. Two mothers have lost their babies, both of them classified as SIDS. One was only 11 days old and the other was about two months. I had put JT to bed on Friday night and I logged on for the first time in ages. I saw the post in the March boards about the April mom who lost their baby and I had to go see. I spent close to a year chatting with these ladies and their loss would have been mind, too. I don't know the lady who's baby died but it doesn't matter. I sat there staring at the screen and looking at her pictures. There was a picture of her, the husband, son and dead baby on the couch from the day of the viewing. They looked to me like death themselves. Wrapped up in a blanket, their precious little girl, dead in their arms. How do you deal with that? I stood up with tears in my eyes and Kevin saw. I told him about the post and showed him the picture. He hugged me and asked if he wasn't allowed to read the story. I didn't want him to but he did. I stood there pacing and crying quietly thinking about this family. He turned around and asked if I went to look at JT. I told him I was too scared to. Kevin started to the bedroom and I wasn't too far behind as I grabbed his hand and followed him down the hall. We lay on the bed on each side of JT, watching his mouth still suckle like he was at the breast, his little head wiggles and arm spasms. His little grunts and groans made us smile as we stared at him through our tears. We couldn't imagine our life without JT and would do anything to save our little boy. Our hearts cried out for the family who was working through their pain that was still so fresh. Kevin and I stayed on the bed watching and crying for such a long time. We kept kissing his arms, his legs, touching any part that we could. I'm closing with the end of the message from the mom. She said it well...So please, love yourself. Love your child. Tomorrow isn't promised.

Monday, the 19th was the viewing, where from noon to 5 p.m. we were alone with her, holding her, seeing what the autopsy had done to her, but still loving her, and praying that we were dreaming. Tuesday, the 20th, we laid her to rest, it was the darkest day of my life. I just wanted to share this story with you, not to scare you, but to remind you to cherish every second you get to have with your child. Because babies are gifts given to us by God, but you never know when He will call that earth angel home. I now have a guardian Angel. Most people only dream of angels, I got to hold mine......for 65 days.