New beginning

It was a rough first day.  Although I got up on time, got out the door on time, was able to stop and get coffee and then flow through traffic I realized it was a holiday and this was not going to be the norm.

I got there at 7:30 instead of 7:45 and began to go into panic mode.  I fidgeted in my car, I put on lip gloss and wiped it off, I drank as much coffee as I could and then walked in.  I was still in panic mode.

I hate new starts.  I hate walking into parties alone.  I hate walking in anywhere alone.  I get tunnel vision and my chest gets tight and I feel like I'm going to faint.  It passes after 2 minutes and I'm relatively fine. 

I put on a brave face and smiled and acted happy to be there.  In truth I was completely uncomfortable in my dress clothes and I felt like I was wearing a costume.  It's been NEVER in my adult life that I've had to wear business casual clothes.  I've lived in jeans and my black fleece coat for over a decade.  That's comfort.

I reminded myself that these people didn't know my past, didn't know what my comfort level was and I could make a brand new start.  It's easier said than done.

AD went on and on about stuff that I had no knowledge of, filing systems that went on for days and code letters and words that made no sense to me.  I wrote a lot of stuff down, I crammed a lot of it to memory which faded out of my brain by 12:30 when I stopped to eat my sandwich. 

The testers were eating in their room.  AD was eating in the little breakroom at a table built for one.  I didn't have the guts to sit there with her.  The morning had been crisp but warmed into a sun shiny day so I walked outside with my phone, sandwich, carrots, almonds and sesame sticks.  Nowhere to sit except the curbs in a parking lot.  Kevin didn't answer the phone.  I went into panic mode. 

I ended up at that table built for one with her and pretended to read the Life and Arts section of the newspaper so I wouldn't have to make small talk.  I really need to learn how to do that.  


By two o'clock I was questioning my decision to come back to work.  It wasn't that I was missing JT horribly (I wasn't, by the way) but that I was back at square one with no clue as to what I was doing.  It was like being at SK and being thrown on the phone with two seconds warning. 

She showed me how to pull the next days charts.  Sounds easy, doesn't it? So and so is coming in, get the file and put it over here.  No.  It involves determining if they are coming for an initial interview with Dr. D, coming for testing 1, 2, 3 or are they coming for test review?  Is there a 'meet child' scheduled?  Does this one have the co-pay listed?  Print out 6 daily calendars.  Put the new ones on a clipboard and get pamphlet A, B or C with D together.  Keep this admin stuff in this plastic folder but put the clinical stuff over there and do this to the folder and then give to AD to do blah blah......................................

I have test anxiety.  I work in a testing environment now.  What was I thinking?!?  Then AD tells me Tester 1 is going to put me through a battery of tests so I have an idea of what it's like to do testing.  Guess who panicked.  Guess who got gassy and had to squeeze her cheeks together and quick sit down so she didn't start farting all over the office?  Yeah, how embarrassing for her. 

While waiting for the dreaded tests - we're talking math and spelling and memory and I'll read you a list of 15 words and you need to tell me all the words you remember and then I'm going to tell you a second list and tell me words from that one and then I'm going to ask you to tell me just the words from the first list...


I started getting two files ready for scanning which involves dissecting a hundred documents and testing booklets and using the giant paper cutter and then putting in separators to run into the scanner.  I studied the tests as I was ripping them apart so I knew what I was getting into.  Thankfully the tester got busy scoring so I didn't have to go through with it.

I know there's a learning curve.  I know AD doesn't expect me to know it all.  The problem is I expect myself to know it all and I feel stupid when I don't and then I blank out and then I get down on myself and seem to lose anything I learned. 

Then I find out their daughter will be home from Yale for Spring Break and they are going to be taking the week of in March to spend time with her.  Guess who's going to be sitting in the office all by herself, working all by herself, doing everything all by herself?  And guess who's going to be working by herself when they're on vacation for three and a half weeks in May?

Sitting here, tonight, I don't want to go back.  But guess who's getting a welcome to the staff lunch party tomorrow?