I had a doctor appointment today and wasn't all that excited.

Just the once over with the pee, blood pressure and weight.

I've gained 5 pounds since March 14th.

My pee is normal again.

My blood pressure is amazing.

The nurse said, "are you a runner or a cyclist?"

I laughed and said, "no." 

"You've got the blood pressure of one of them.  Real low but on the good side."  98/72 or 92/78 - something crazy like that.

So later the doc and I laughed about people that do the Bradley method and the running joke in L&D when someone slaps a BRADLEY sign on their door when they come to deliver.  "Sign them up for a c-section".  She and I talked about my interest in Hypnobabies and her thoughts on it.  I told her that I am realistic in my expectations that if I end up with an epidural I won't be mad and I won't curse the doctors for calling contractions contractions instead of surges.  I told her I'm not 100% sold on using it fully but I had success with hypnosis before and wanted to use some of the relaxation techniques to help me.  I confessed that I didn't take the birthing class serious the first time around and basically shut down, freaked out and couldn't control myself.  My goal this time around is to get a grip and keep it.  She saw no reason why I can't try for VBAC and so as of today that's what I'm going to try to do.  Surprise us with a date, baby, because right now I don't want to choose your birthday.  Come when you are ready. 

Today was the first time I heard the heartbeat.  The ultrasound last month made this pregnancy a little more real, the heartbeat today drew me in a little more but I'm still lacking that connection and that maternal pull to the life growing inside of me.  It's a strange feeling to want to protect and nurture but still lack that bond.  Maybe next month will do the trick.


On July 2nd we'll go in for the 20 week anatomy scan and find out if this is a Bistery Girl or a JT boy (that's how he put it).   I told Kevin the other day that I know I won't cry this time if I find out it's a boy - I'll feel relief.  A little girl would be fun and it would be great to watch that father/daughter bond like I have with the mother/son bond.  I long for that for Kevin.  But I really worry about dealing with a teenage girl and the angst and hormones and insecurities and everything I remember about being a teenage girl.  I'm not saying boys sail through those years without any issues, and maybe it's because I act like a boy so much that I fear a girl.  Lord help us... 

I  really appreciated Kevin and his kind words when he said to me, "Whatever we have will be great.  We'll do great.  It'll be great."