Up and Down

I like the challenges of my job, but I hate them just the same.  In other jobs I've held, you had to learn the information before you started working.  With this job, you get a VERY broad overview of a bunch of stuff and then you get on the phones and search through a maze of information in a Google type fashion to find the answers.  Truthfully, all the answers are there, you just have to learn how to search it out. Once you find it, you follow the directions step by wordy step and then navigate to another system and follow the steps for that one.  I truly am in a sales, customer service and tech/troubleshooting position.  I'm excited about the information I'm going to gain as I progress in the job but for now it's taxing and driving me crazy.


Today was the last day of training and Monday I will start my new weekly schedule of 12-9, Friday and Sunday off.  I've spent 6 weeks with the same 18 people and for the first time was invited to lunch with everyone.  Sort of a final good-bye to the group.  I learned the hard way that I am just not on the same level as these people.  I don't mean that in a self-absorbed, egotistical way.  I mean that I haven't had the opportunity to develop friendships with them as every break and for 1/2 of my lunch I am stuck in a room pumping milk for Sara instead of getting to know people.  The one girl I thought I had struck up a relationship with has fizzled (in my mind).  I tried several times caling her but calls went to voicemail and weren't returned.  I put texting on my phone to keep in touch when she went into labor but that didn't go much better.  I received a few back and then listened in class as two others talked about the messages they'd received and talked to her and how she was doing.  Why didn't she call me? Was I too pushy?  Was I too needy?  Was I just not the friend she was looking for?   Not enough or too much?  My feelings are hurt. 

I went to lunch with the group, but of course I drove separately because I needed to head back to work early to pump.  I snarfed down my lunch while trying to maintain conversations with several of the girls on my end.  Listened to them talk about one of the guys from our class "that doesn't ever do anything, never eats lunch with us.  He's such a loner.  Won't go to the movies with us."  I commented, quite bravely in my opinion, that I missed having that opportunity to socialize with people at the drop of the hat or could make plans to catch a movie after work.  I have to get home so Kevin can get to work.  I talked about missing the opportunity to talk with people during breaks.  Their reply was a serious of blank stares and the sound of fortune cookies crunching between their teeth.  My feelings were hurt again. 

I was picked to partner with the guy who was going to look for a different job this weekend.  He was scared of the phones, froze and couldn't remember information.  He didn't see himself being a success.  Others tried to talk him out of it, I acknowledged his fear and bravery for realizing where he was.  "This isn't for everyone," I told him, "and if you feel this isn't for you, don't make yourself sick over it.  You know what's best for you.  But for now, just try your best and see what happens."   He looked just as nervous this morning as he did last night when we left for the night.  I asked him how he was.  "Terrible," he said.  I said I was sorry and left it at that.  When he found out I didn't have a partner his eyes lit up.  He warned me over and over that he's quick to panic and can't remember anything.  I told him I would do my best to help him and guide him though his calls.  I reminded him to breath.  To remember that he needs to remember it's just a conversation with the person on the other end of the phone.  I turned back into Coach Jori and felt good, felt in charge, felt knowledgeable.  Long story a little shorter, he praised me several times and in front of others for the help I gave him.  I checked in with him and asked how he was feeling about a future there.  "Brighter.  It wasn't so bad today so I'm willing to see how next week goes."  It felt good to help someone feel better about their performance.

On the way home from work, I turned a corner to avoid some traffic at a light.  But as I was waiting to make the right hand turn, I saw a truck moving slowly forward but there were legs dangling out the driver's side door.  I kept staring, thinking it had to be something else.   There was a woman in the passenger seat leaning over and my first thought was someone was trying to kidnap her or something and she was trying to get the door shut.  Then the truck started rolling backwards and the legs were still dragging.  Then I thought the worst of the worst.  I threw my car in park when I turned the corner and ran over to the truck as it stopped a few feet away from backing into traffic behind us.  I helped an elderly man up from the ground who was still clutching the door.  I held onto his arm, checking how he was.  He didn't answer when I asked so I asked the woman in the seat.  "Is he okay?  Are YOU okay?"  She said to me with tears in her eyes, "He's not okay but he'll be okay."  What did that even mean?  I looked at him again, looked at his face flushed with heat and fear.  I put my arm around him, "Really, sir...are you alright?  Can I help you with anything?"  He laughed nervously and wiped his eyes and explained that he had stopped to get something out of the back of the truck and forgot to put it in park.  The truck rolled forward dragging him and she tried to get it in gear but hit it in reverse, thereby dragging him backwards this time.  "I thought I was a goner."  I looked at them both again, tears in my eyes watching the both of them in disbelief about what just happened.  A little fear running through me after jumping into the unknown to help the unknown.  For that moment I didn't really care what was happening, instinctively I knew that something was wrong and I needed to help.  That was an amazing feeling.

10:45 pm and everyone is tucked in bed and sleeping.  I have a chance to be myself and run through updates on Facebook.  I'm feeling good about my day and how it ended.  I see a co-worker checked into seeing a movie.  With 3 other co-workers.  That insecure 13 year old girl in me surfaced.  What's the matter with me?  Why wasn't I invited? 

It's been a strange day....