My second job

Or maybe it's my third, fourth or fifth - I've lost track. Somewhere behind Coach/Trainer, Mother, Wife, Maid, Billing Expert, Book Reader, ball thrower, block stacker, cube smacker, animal cracker picker upper and dishwasher I've just picked up another job. Finding a loan. I'm punishing myself in a small way by sitting here writing this. My eyes are burning from all the crying I did this afternoon. I was rejected by what I thought was going to be our saving grace. After reviewing my application, credit reports and two letters of explaination I was told by a woman named Olga (with the heaviest Middle Eastern accent EVER) blah blah blah, "work on cleaning up your credit and then let us know." Let you know what? Am I supposed to magically raise my credit score 98 points so you'll cover your eyes and peek through your fingers to not question the negative marks? What kind of sense does that make, any way? So after having a full on crying fit and mild panic attack complete with gasping for breath I pulled myself together and worked the last two hours of my day. My ride home was spent thinking about how to get out of this mess. This stupid mess that I didn't create. I called my ex and asked if she honestly was planning on living up to her end of the bargains on several issues that we talked about. I'm not entirely sure I expect a response from her but I asked it out loud and I gave it power. If she doesn't respond to me I have my answer and I'll handle things how they need to be handled. Then I called my mom and dad and I started crying before there machine finished their greeting. I don't know if what I said was intelligible but they're parents and I'm sure if they're anything like me, just hearing the crying is enough to know that something is wrong. I thought about what another friend of mine said to me the other day. She mentioned my bad luck and "you must have done something really bad in your past life." I know her well enough to know that she didn't mean that maliciously - she believes in past lives and such. I don't subscribe to that philosophy. I believe you get back what you put out but I don't believe I'm here to atone for or relearn some lesson from when I was an Egyptian Ox back in 823 BC. After much discussion with my dad tonight I likened my situation to an actress or dancer going out on auditions. This is my job now. My job is to find a house and funding. I am going to hear 'no' again but I cannotand refuse to let it paralyze me any longer. I need to stay focused and remind myself that the next place will be a yes. Or the next. Or the next place.