Part 1

I cleaned out the garage last weekend and attempted to throw stuff away that hasn't been used in forever.  If it didn't sell at the last garage sale and I haven't use it, it's probably ready to be thrown away.  We have a particular garden hose that is heavy duty and has been a pain in my rear end since day one.  I lost count of all the times I curse at it last summer.  I told Kevin that I threw it away.  "Hey," he said, "that's one of those things that we could sell at a garage sale."

"But that crib could go.  I know you want to hold onto it but..."

"I don't want to hold onto it.  We can't sell it because JT's bed is using the bottom spring thing.  Get a piece of plywood for his bed and then we can sell it.  Because I'm not having another baby."

The words stung as they came out of my mouth.  A bitter taste was left in my mouth.

Not. Having. Another. Baby.

If it was the truth, why did it feel so weird when I said it?  Kevin and I have talked about this over and over and over again. One and done.  just JT.  No sibling rivalry to contend with.  No beating each other up.  no parental feelings of neglecting one child over the other.  No neglecting each other!  We'll avoid the crazy hectic schedules. We've got a routine and it's good for us.  Why mess with a good thing.  And I'm 38 for goodness sakes.  Who, besides movie stars, has kids at this age?  Age is just a number until you start calculating how old you're going to be when your kid graduates.

On Monday the 15th we got the news that our friends who had been trying for 7 years to get pregnant finally did it.  They were still at their parents house spreading the news when she messaged her girlfriends with the news.  I was so excited and went upstairs to tell Kevin about it.  He was thrilled, too!  She's due in November and I told her, "What could be more appropriate for you guys than a Thanksgiving baby!"  I started thinking about the baby shower we would give her.  How cute she's going to look and what an awesome mom she's going to be.  That's one lucky baby!

And then he took the hose out of the garbage can.

I sat for the rest of that night and heard in my head, "not having another baby" and I dreamed it about.  All night...